雅思写作点评:养宠物的利弊

雅思写作 2015-01-28阅读(38)

怎么学雅思?很多人喜欢猫啊狗啊,小编也喜欢这些小动物,但是大家知不知道养宠物的利和弊呢?新航道雅思在线课堂就给大家来说一下雅思写作点评:养宠物的利弊。

养宠物的利弊问题。

There are numerous reasons that more and more people,with the city developing,pet some animals like dogs.I finally think this phenomenon is worth to be admited and I cannot skip it.(30words)

结构点评:第1段是1+1’的模式,即第1句介绍题目背景,第2句提出作者的观点。

巧妙之处:第1段的内容比较简单清晰,没有任何废话,句型尚可,不是很刻板的那种(就是100个人会60人用的那种),避免了考官的审美疲劳!

语言方面:看了第1段,我的感觉并不好,我的预判是顶多6(要注意,考官也会有预判的,他们都是批了n百份卷子的人,看了一些内容就能大致预判的出作者的水平的,所以第1段应该尽量减少错误,留个好印象。first impressions last forever!).蓝色出为语言错误的地方!!!应改为there are numerous reasons why... I think... worth admitting(这个内容上很莫名!)

The point on the top of my list for my propensity is that pet can spend people's leisure time.Most of the animals have their own nature,for instance,a dog need to walk like a man need to eat.So we have to supply their need, of course,they will cost us a lot of time.But if we had free time,we would go out with them,by the way, for their nature.This also is an entertainment.(71words)

结构点评:此段是1+4模式,即第1句是主体句,后接4句支持句!!!

语言方面:红色出为采用的套句。作者选择用套句引出主题句(这种方式在雅思考试中的确比较实用)。但是这句表达的不够好(果然作文不是我教,呵呵)。应改为:The point on top of the list for my propensity is that petting animals may require a spate of spare time. 此外:a dog needs to ... a man needs to...最后两句不知道作者想说什么,内容上有些重复和空洞,表达的不清楚!!!

Another factor we cannot neglect is that a part of pet can be the right hands and left of the person who has a bodily disfigurement.For example,the dog can help the blind cross a street and others which they can't do by themselves.If there were no these pets in the world,they would not live alone. Actually,they are very useful,aren't they?Why not to pet them?(64 words)

点评:由于写的很差,所以就简单的评几句。看了正文段第2段,我大致已经了解了作者的水平了。在具体举例说明和分析自己分论点的时候,作者表现出了语言功底的不足!!!套句以外的句子都写的很空洞,没有具体内容(可能是因为具体的内容不知道用英语怎么表达)。即使写出来得句子,也含有很多语法错误!!!词汇也很单一。以下是大致按照作者的意义改写而成的:

Another factor we cannot neglect is that some pets are indipensible under special circumstances. Take, as an example, a guide-dog. It can not only be a loyal companion to the blind but also assist them in crossing the road. An excellent guide-dog is, if not better than, as good as the eyes of the blind in that it lets the owner feel loved and relieved.

自我点评:写的时候感觉内容很难写,这可能也是同学们会遇到的问题。所以平时即使懒得写作文,至少也 要对找些题目来构思一下(brainstorming),免得考试的时候由于构思太长而来不及答题!!!

Also, it is sagacious to general citizens can get mental satisfaction from pets.That is to say,it is a striking fact that every amenity city for a citizen boasts not only of its advanced establishment but also of its mental satisfaction.And this just can shows that our city is a fit place for heroes to live in.

点评:1+2的模式,这种模式我说过是高手用的。因为,句数那么少就必须运用长句来弥补词数的不足。而且语法功底不好的人,一写长句不仅会犯错,而且严重的时候会导致句子本身根本无法理解!!!所以,要量力而行啊!!!(不是牛牛的学生,就不要打肿脸冒充牛!!!呵呵)

语言方面:第1句印象极差!!!犯了如此严重的错误,最多5分了(一个句子竟然有两个谓语动词!!!)。以下是改写的段落:

Also, it is apparent that the owners can gain mental satisfaction from their pets. In other words, a prosperous city with amenities provides the residents with advanced facilities and an environment in which the pets together with their owerns can enjoy life as well.

自我点评:按照作者的原意,自己也不知道在说些什么,只能把语言写的稍微顺一点。有时候碰到冷门的题目时,的确构思都比较难。大家要当心,越是碰到这种情况,越是要挑些容易发挥的内容写。像本篇作者就是在自找麻烦(我也跟着麻烦)

To put all into a nutshell,there are so many benefits on petting animals.From what I have presented above, we can safely draw the conclusion that it is advisable to allow petting animals.

最后一段由于大量使用了套句,所以也没什么好说的了。基础上表达是没有问题的!!!

总的点评:很清楚地看到,作者除了使用套句的地方还像个样,其他地方由于受到语言功底的限制,内容空洞,错误较多。这是许多低分作文都有的毛病。在这里我还是要强调语言的正确性,它永远是写作第1个要关注的事情,语言差,作文一定得低分!语言好,内容平凡,照样能够得高分!!!

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